s950 question

Well hello mpc-headed fellows!
Not that your head is shaped like an mpc, that would make you robots and you are not robots!!
I am currently working on my concept album whose concept is the concept the album is based on (mostly): all the music is gonna be produced entirely with my penis. I have access to a full studio with a lot of real instruments, which I'll play all with my penis: slamming it on drums and keyboards, using it as a plectrum on strings (kinda hard)(no pun intended). Then obviously I manipulate digitally the sound of it a little bit. Also I manipulate my penis.
The only problem I have encountered is that drums sound too thin (though my penis isn't). I heard that AKAI s950 is known for the punch and the crispiness it adds to drums in general, so I'm considering getting one, or even some other vintage sampler.

Here are my questions for you:

-Would using an old sampler be the right thing to do?
-Would an AKAI s950 add more punch to my penis?
-Would Roger Linn design machines add more punch to my penis?
-Would Roger Linn punch me in the penis?

Thanks for your time. Bye!

I've heard the SP1200 makes your penis even punchier, but it's not ideal, as with only 10 seconds of sampling time you'll finish too quick and the female listeners might be turned off by that.

Also, the S950 is only 12bit, your penis might start to appear dirty and low-quality...

Maybe get an MPC Ren? Out of all the Akai gear, it comes with the most knobs on it! Your penis will benefit from the company of all those big, new and shiny knobs!

OP.

Try again and don't be a dick...